The reason I'm leaving now rather than in June is still rather hush hush around here, but of course I can see how the explosiveness of the conversation that led to my resignation is now wearing off, at least a little bit. I have had no time to think, yet so much time for reflection. My life has consisted of the normal lesson planning/teaching/school responsibilities and the routine that I follow on an everyday basis, but it's also been chock full of me having to sort out who will take over my responsibilities at school. Who will teach grade 3, who will be the PBIS chair, who will lead the Sunshine Committee, who will take over my recess duty, who will make sure my part of the yearbook gets done? When will I get report cards done, what classroom materials need to be ordered for next year, what data can I share with the teachers who are coming in, what lesson plans can I share for the months ahead? There's also the sad parents and students who question me constantly, "Why are you really leaving?" "What's wrong with the school?" "Are you ill?" "Were you physically abused?" "What will you do in America?" "Can you please stay and so and so please go?"
With that, I've also had the stress of the moving process: selling items, walking those items all over Dongguan to deliver them, packing boxes, making everything I possibly can out of the foodstuffs in my pantry (I've cooked/baked almost daily for the last week...homemade banana muffins, m&m sugar cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, no bake peanut butter balls and a whole assortment of pasta dishes and soups just to name a few) and trying to see everyone who now knows I'm leaving and wants to get one last dinner/drink/chat in before I go.
I'm exhausted but so far behind. I'm looking around my apartment at the bags of things to be delivered to expats in the area and the boxes of things that aren't yet packed because I'm still waiting on bubble wrap. I am looking at suitcases that will barely zip now but a closet full of clothes that have to go somewhere. I'm thinking about how much I love this apartment as I sit down to eat my cabbage soup on this cold and wet December night and with both laptops in front of me, I begin to cry. I take a break from my schoolwork (which you know I don't normally do from home) and I bring my personal laptop to the couch so I can write a little for myself...I will use it as therapy.
Sitting here in this apartment and writing has been one very good thing about my time in China. This apartment itself has been one of the two things I've loved unconditionally since I got here (the other being my kids). My apartment has been the one thing I could count on though. It's my space...my home. It's where I've escaped the nonsense of ISD an the craziness of China. I feel I've had a productive year and a half of writing in this apartment. I've kept up with the blog a pretty good amount. I've written for the magazine for several consecutive months now. I've written another Gia book, although not published yet. I've started a memoir and a children's (preteen) novel. I'm proud of that, even if the things never go to print.
This apartment has been good to me. The people in my building have been good to me. When I got in the elevator coming up after school today, for example, I thought about the security guards who have been so kind to me, so protective and interested. I feel extremely sad to leave them. The day guard recently has greeted me each afternoon asking about my tears. His empathy is heartwarming. We can't communicate verbally as neither speaks the other's language, but he's been concerned for me. Last week I came home from school balling each day. This week I've had a smile on my face. Every day though, he makes gestures to check for tears. We speak back and forth in our native languages and smile or laugh at the ridiculousness of it since neither understands the other. I attempt on my translator to say things, but just the gist comes through. No matter, I know he cares.
Another example of my doormen's interest is when I was training for the Great Wall last year, the guys would cheer me on. Heading out on my runs, they'd give me a thumbs up or a big smile and we'd play charades together to describe what I was doing. I learned the word for run, but never how to put it in a sentence! Pao.
Last night my neighbor took me out for a goodbye dinner. When I told a colleague about it, she said, "Your neighbor?" like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. At dinner, he said that he and his wife only ever speak to me in the hallway, that no one else really speaks to them that often. I was sad about it because we've certainly been friendly in the hallway and we've messaged now and again, but it's the first time in a year and a half we ever did anything together. A whole year and a half and it took me leaving to have a meal with the person who lived next door.
At school today, I took pictures of myself with all of my students. I wanted individual shots because I'm going to make them a book that can be kept in the classroom. I want them to have something to refer to if they feel like they miss me. Ever since I told them I was going, they've been very emotional. We have cried a lot of tears together and I've seen some aggressive behavior that was never really exhibited before. I've been taking them presents each day claiming they are for the 12 days of Christmas, but really I just want these kids to know how much I care about them. The teacher and disciplinarian in me of course makes them "earn" the prizes for good behavior, but every kid gets something each day.
On the first day of Christmas my teacher gave to me one m&m cookie
On the second day of Christmas my teacher gave to me two used books and one m&m cookie
On the third day of Christmas my teacher gave to me salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
On the fourth day of Christmas my teacher gave to me special little prizes, salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
On the fifth day of Christmas my teacher gave to me chocolate oatmeal cookies, special little prizes, salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
Now, I am not repeating and giving the kids ALL of the stuff from the prior days, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of this whole thing. I'm not "buying" their love either because I'm still one of the strictest teachers on campus. They have sat at silent lunch the last two days for disrespectful behavior during lessons. My kids know I mean business, so even if they are getting prizes for good behavior, they are being punished for inappropriate behavior.
Aside from my gifts to kids, I'm also giving up my social life for them in the sense that ALL afternoon I now message individuals and groups on WeChat. Lord help me. I get messages up until about 10 pm of "What are you doing, I'm brushing my teeth." "What does your house look like?" "Can you show me what you're making for dinner?" "Can we FaceTime?" "Will you help me with my homework?" "Let me show you what I did at my art class." "Are you in the car? Who's driving?" "Ms. Hannah are you there?" "Ms. Hannah can you take a picture of your house?" It's adorable but it can be exhausting too! I won't complain about it though as I'm sure it will wear off and then I'll miss my kiddos and their messages.
Today might be the first day that I possibly have regretted saying I'm leaving. I miss my family, I miss Charleston, I miss my friends, but man, I'm really going to miss China too, and I can't believe I'm saying that. I am a hot mess of emotions and honestly, I don't know what to feel.
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