You Think You Know Me

I've had a very interesting, very lazy weekend since arriving back from the Philippines. Friday night I showered, made myself dinner, and crashed. Saturday morning I woke up early, 5:30, started all my laundry, and began writing. I said all last week that I needed my computer because writing for me, even when I don't "publish" for anyone other than myself, is therapy. I didn't have my journal either, so anytime I felt the urge, I wrote in the notes app on my phone, but I didn't get the same sense of fulfillment from that.

Yesterday ended up being one of those days that I accomplished exactly what I intended, although it may not seem like much to you. It was a day I stayed in my pjs all day long. It was pouring rain, which I thank God for because it's the kind of weather I wanted, and truthfully, needed. I drank my cuppa English tea (which I'd talked about all week while away) and moved only from my couch to the floor, to the table, or to my bed, all the while writing. I worked on a blog, some personal pieces, and A LOT of applications. I never made it outside and I think most of the day I had the curtains pulled. I realize that this may be a sign to some of you of "depression," but let me assure you it's not. It's called me time. It's something I have to do in order to cleanse what's already occurred and prepare for what lies ahead.

I've talked a lot about this with my cousin, and we both agree that I am an introvert. It's hard to explain because I do love people and I enjoy getting out there and socializing, but really and truly, I prefer my quiet time alone. After a week of holiday with a friend and having very little time to myself, all I wanted to do this weekend was veg. Let me quickly say that my friend was awesome actually and did allow me time for private meditation and prayer while we were on the islands, but still, I craved more.

I think after the week away in a place that, although was beautiful in it's own right, was a little bit unsettling, I needed to decompress. The contrast between the crystal blue water/white sandy beaches and the dilapidated third world buildings was so stark. The incident with "La," the homeless man I met who hurt his foot, was the icing on the cake for me and it emotionally drained me. (Read more about this on my link for #feelingblessed.)

This "draining" is a characteristic of my being an empath. So this is where I ask, "You think you know me?" I don't ask it condescendingly and I don't mean anything hurtful by it, but I ask it because I wonder, how well do you know me, if in fact at all?

Let's go back for a moment to the fact that I'm an introvert. After reading about this on The Huffington Post, I have a checklist for you...you can answer on my behalf, or you can answer for yourself if you're interested in knowing whether or not you are an introvert. What I love about this particular article is the opening:

"Think you can spot an introvert in a crowd? Think again. Although the stereotypical introvert may be the one at the party who's hanging out alone by the food table fiddling with an iPhone, the "social butterfly" can just as easily have an introverted personality."

I think it's interesting because many of you who know me, or think you know me, might assume because I love to travel and meet new people and because I'm always in the middle of things at work, standing in front of others, etc., that I'm actually an extrovert, but I hope you'll think again after looking at a few of these signs.

I took these from a list of 23 signs posted on the Huffington Post article. I chose the ones that resonated most with me. Please see the full article (hyperlinked above) to read more.

Signs you're an introvert:
1) Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you.
2) Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.
3) When you get on the subway, you sit on the end of the bench not in the middle.
4) You start to shut down after you've been active for too long.
5) You notice details that others don't.
6) You have low blood pressure.
7) You've been called an "old soul."
8) You look at the big picture.
9) You're a writer.
10) You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.

These just make sense, and they describe me to a "T," especially 1, 4, 7, 9 and 10. In particular, they stand out because of the previous week I had and how I needed to spend the weekend after it; 7 is thrown in because it's the truth no matter the situation.

Now, for the empath side of me. I googled, "signs you are an empath," and came across an article on Introvert Spring that funnily enough, started like this:

"If you are an introvert who is highly sensitive, you might also be an empath."

The next line in the article defines empaths this way:

"Empaths are highly sensitive individuals who deeply feel the emotion of those around them."

If you read through the 10 signs listed, and you do in fact know me, I think you'll agree that I demonstrate many of these characteristics. Actually, if you know me REALLY well, I bet you can choose which are LESS like me and which are MORE like me.

1) Creative Expression.

2) Reading People's Emotions.

3) Peacemaker.

4) Love Animals and Nature.

5) Moody Recluse.

6) Can't Do Things You Don't Like.

7) Free Spirit.

8) Problem Solver.

9) Magnetic.

10) Eclectic Taste in Music.

Did you say that 4 is a funny description for me?  I find it amusing because I don't love animals so much. Please don't get me wrong...I've always dogsat and treated animals very well. Even in the Philippines my heart went out to the dogs I saw on the road; they were all so skinny and mangy. I ended up sharing my hamburger leftovers with a cute little puppy outside of my room on our last night. I believe one day I'll have a dog of my own, but not until I have a family of my own. 

I don't exactly love nature so much either in the sense that I don't want to go camping or anything, but I do enjoy a good lake/ocean/mountain view and crave feeling my feet touch the grass. I am rejuvenated by a good ocean breeze or a gust of wind over the mountains, so in these ways, yes, I do love nature. 

What about # 8? I think if you know me and you read the full article, # 8 is spot on.

"Problem Solver-Empaths will search relentlessly for answers to a problem. Their motto is “there is always a way”. And thanks to their persistence, they usually find it."

So I busted out laughing reading that...if you know me, you know why. I don't give up. If I want something, I'll bug the heck of someone/anyone to get it or to find a way to make it happen. My picture should be next to the word persistent in the dictionary....seriously.

Again, these are just a few signs of many, but I can relate to them both for introverts and empaths. As I sit here writing, it's pouring rain outside. I'm listening to Ben Howard on Spotify...the perfect, soft, reflective kind of music. I'm drinking my third cuppa tea in two days (that's not like me as I really don't drink much caffeine). It's 6 pm and I've only been awake 4 hours (that's also not me). I was so drained from this week, and staying up until 3 am watching Netflix, that I slept all morning and most of the afternoon. The weather made it easy to do so.

The point is of course that after a week of full on activity, even on a beach side, relaxing kind of holiday, I needed to reset myself, especially since I have to go back to a job that I honestly don't love and struggle with still.

After reading this post, hopefully now you can say you do in fact know me a little better, and perhaps it helped you to know yourself a little more too. For now, I remain reflective and reconsidering where I am, and where I'm meant to go next...

#FeelingBlessed

I use that hashtag often enough when I post to Instagram...I use it when I feel the Lord speaking to me, reminding me of His presence and unwavering love.

Upon arrival in Boracay, I was almost instantly in that "feeling blessed" mode. The water was crystal blue, the sounds of the ocean poured through the windows at my gorgeous hilltop villa, the people were unbelievably friendly, and I saw and felt God's presence in so many ways. From the small churches scattered along the overcrowded streets, to the not so hidden message of "God is Love" painted on the first trike I took, I knew God was at work in the Philippines. Over the course of the week I spent there, I saw more people in Christian t-shirts than I've seen in any other part of the world. When asking for the wifi password at a beach front bar, the lady said it was "God bless you," and made sure to remind my friend and me that it was spelled with a capital G. I cried....seriously. After living in a country where He is not the main focus of many people's lives, I truly felt blessed to be visiting the Philippines where I could see Him "doing His thing."

It's hard for me to travel because I always judge how hospitable people are. Coming from Charleston, I suppose I expect all cities to be friendly and welcoming, but unfortunately I have found that they are not. I was pleasantly surprised with the kindness that I encountered in the Philippines. Everyone, I mean everyone, spoke, "Good morning ma'am." People offered to help carry our bags, to escort us, to take us around the island. Granted, some of this may have been solely for the tips, but still, you could feel their warmth and genuineness. I've been to many places where this is not common and it always turns me off of a place when the people are not welcoming.

On Thursday afternoon after a day at the beach and too much sun, my friend and I thought we would go sit at a beach front restaurant and have a snack. We opted for a place I'd read about on Trip Advisor...Epic. It was a really beautiful space in that it was very clean and open. A lot of what you find on the island of Boracay is older and often quite run down. Don't get me wrong, there are nice places too, but the contrast between the spaces is overwhelmingly drastic.

Epic is a restaurant/bar that, to my understanding, gets a little night club-y after hours. For our afternoon visit, it was calm and family friendly.

We ordered a plate of nachos and a few bottles of water before later I requested a beer.  We ate and relaxed, people watching, for a good hour or more. It was after eating when I had just received my beer that an older gentleman stumbled across our path. He stopped in front of our table but didn't speak, rather he just pointed to his foot. I could see that it was bleeding. Not sure what to do, I froze momentarily. My empathic vibes started working overtime and I began to cry as he walked away. You may think I'm crazy, but his soul was calling out to me, begging me for help.

I could take it no longer so I reached for some napkins and my bag of wet wipes and headed over to where he'd fallen. He was next to a beach chair about 10 yards away. I walked over to him and asked what was wrong. I spoke to him almost as if he were a child, lovingly and with patience as he wasn't really speaking back. After a few moments of me trying to encourage him to clean his foot with the wipes (I've had too many blood born pathogens classes to have done it myself without gloves), I asked if he'd eaten today. He said no and so I gave him a little money, what equals a dollar or so...pathetic. Then I walked away, but he continued to pull at my heart strings.

When I returned to the table, I no longer wanted my beer. I sat there a few moments and was amazed to see the staff from the restaurant gather a first aid kit and a pitcher of water. They went over the the man and cleaned and bandaged his foot for him. As they did so, a crowd gathered around. This made me angry...he was not a spectacle at which to be stared. I prayed and prayed for him and just couldn't let go.

When the staff came back and the man was left resting on the the lounge chair, I asked if they would prepare a meal for him. The hostess first said if she did, that he'd just ask for money or something more. I told her that during the few minutes he and I spoke, he never asked for anything from me. She seemed to change her heart and she shared with me that he had been abandoned by his family, Koreans, she thought. They had all come to the Philippines together but apparently they left him alone when they relocated. My heart sank even further.

As the man, who only could share with me his name to be "La," had only one tooth, ordering food was not the easiest task, but the hostess helped me choose a rice dish that is liked by the locals. I ordered him a bottle of water as well. When it was all prepared, I took the food to him and patted him on the shoulder telling him to take care of his foot. "Salamat" he repeated, "thank you." My heart was overflowing with worry for him. I wanted to take him home with me, to offer him more. I wanted to speak with him about God's love but for whatever reason, whether it be my own fear, Satan's interference, or something else, I didn't. I have prayed for him every day since I met him and I am sitting here this morning writing and crying, as usual, over the blessing that came to me on a beach in Boracay. If you are reading this, please lift up the man I know as "La" and ask that he, if he doesn't already know the Lord, cross paths with someone else who will be braver than I. Please remember him in your prayers and while you're at it, remember all of the island of Boracay as it was a truly awesome thing to feel God's presence there.