A New Year

It is almost impossible to believe that 2015 is coming to a close in just a matter of hours. In all honesty, in many ways, it already has. From my leaving China, to returning back to Charleston and leaving friends spread across countries between the two, I get to celebrate the new year repeatedly for a full day. I've already received "Happy New Year's" messages from many friends who are celebrating in Asia even now as I write.

2015 was amazing. This time last December, I was on an 80 foot yacht under the Sydney Harbour Bridge, sipping champagne in a hot tub upon the top deck. Not a bad way to ring in the new year. From Australia, I went back to China, to America, the Philippines, the United Kingdom, Ireland and then home again. I made some new friends and enjoyed time with those I have been lucky to have in my life for many years. I had my eyes opened to many new experiences, and I was able to get to know myself even more. That's what traveling does for you. You discover so much about the world and the people who live in it, but all the while, you gain insight into who you really are. You'd be surprised just how much a person learns by being a "globe trotter." I feel, out of all of my blessings by way of travel, this is the most significant. Knowing who I truly am, and learning what is most important to me, what beliefs are non-negotiables, and what my life is meant to be is the most wonderful blessing of all.

In 2015, although there were challenges that brought me to my knees, and questions I felt might never be answered, I can see so vividly now why those difficult times were part of my journey. They, as terrible as they were at the time, brought me here.

Where is here, you ask? Well, "here" is a number of places. I'm currently sitting at my mother's kitchen table. She's busy preparing tomorrow's New Year's dinner. The radio is softly playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony, which is "ironic" in a way, but I don't really believe in irony, so perhaps it's just another of God's signs. Tonight I head to Wadmalaw Island, a beautiful spot that epitomizes God's artistic ability. I get to spend the evening with some of my favorite kids. I really can't think of any better way to bring this year to an end. Tomorrow, I head to the Isle of Palms, another place that God shows off his talent...the island is dotted with palm trees, and the sounds from the crashing waves, seagulls and soft breezes are the most soothing melodies. These are the calming "noises" that help me forget all about the honking horns, hocking loogies, and terrible "apple song" I remember all too vividly from my time in China. You'll only get this of course if you have in fact experienced it yourself.

Although this New Year's Eve will be a completely different experience for me, much more low key and without the "party" I am used to, I am excited for it. I'm excited for the year ahead. I am in the right place, both physically and spiritually; I can feel it in my bones. I am not "stuck" in Charleston, as I felt when I moved home from Italy in 2012. I am free. I have the ability to choose my path. God's grace has led me this far, and I am proud to be at a point in my life that I can see and hear His word, knowing that He's with me every step of the way. Challenges may still put stumbling blocks at my feet, but I am strong enough to keep my balance, to step over those bumps, and to continue down a road that I know will lead me to a bright future. I feel so very confident that 2016 is going to be amazing, and I'm just so excited to be "here" at this very moment for every blessing each breath brings.

This will be my last "hesinchina" post...more adventures to come though, obviously. :)

To all of you, wherever you are, Happy New Year. With love, HES XOXO

I Don't Know What to Feel

I have had such a roller coaster of emotions the last two weeks. The decision to leave ISD came so quickly, yet in hindsight it had been building up in me for months. Think back. I bought a CAR a WEEK before moving back to China. I have been looking at properties (to build or buy) since I got here in August. I have applied for jobs in Charleston (one of which was offered).

The reason I'm leaving now rather than in June is still rather hush hush around here, but of course I can see how the explosiveness of the conversation that led to my resignation is now wearing off, at least a little bit. I have had no time to think, yet so much time for reflection. My life has consisted of the normal lesson planning/teaching/school responsibilities and the routine that I follow on an everyday basis, but it's also been chock full of me having to sort out who will take over my responsibilities at school. Who will teach grade 3, who will be the PBIS chair, who will lead the Sunshine Committee, who will take over my recess duty, who will make sure my part of the yearbook gets done? When will I get report cards done, what classroom materials need to be ordered for next year, what data can I share with the teachers who are coming in, what lesson plans can I share for the months ahead? There's also the sad parents and students who question me constantly, "Why are you really leaving?" "What's wrong with the school?" "Are you ill?" "Were you physically abused?" "What will you do in America?" "Can you please stay and so and so please go?"

With that, I've also had the stress of the moving process: selling items, walking those items all over Dongguan to deliver them, packing boxes, making everything I possibly can out of the foodstuffs in my pantry (I've cooked/baked almost daily for the last week...homemade banana muffins, m&m sugar cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, no bake peanut butter balls and a whole assortment of pasta dishes and soups just to name a few) and trying to see everyone who now knows I'm leaving and wants to get one last dinner/drink/chat in before I go.

I'm exhausted but so far behind. I'm looking around my apartment at the bags of things to be delivered to expats in the area and the boxes of things that aren't yet packed because I'm still waiting on bubble wrap. I am looking at suitcases that will barely zip now but a closet full of clothes that have to go somewhere. I'm thinking about how much I love this apartment as I sit down to eat my cabbage soup on this cold and wet December night and with both laptops in front of me, I begin to cry. I take a break from my schoolwork (which you know I don't normally do from home) and I bring my personal laptop to the couch so I can write a little for myself...I will use it as therapy.

Sitting here in this apartment and writing has been one very good thing about my time in China. This apartment itself has been one of the two things I've loved unconditionally since I got here (the other being my kids). My apartment has been the one thing I could count on though. It's my space...my home. It's where I've escaped the nonsense of ISD an the craziness of China. I feel I've had a productive year and a half of writing in this apartment. I've kept up with the blog a pretty good amount. I've written for the magazine for several consecutive months now. I've written another Gia book, although not published yet. I've started a memoir and a children's (preteen) novel. I'm proud of that, even if the things never go to print.

This apartment has been good to me. The people in my building have been good to me. When I got in the elevator coming up after school today, for example, I thought about the security guards who have been so kind to me, so protective and interested. I feel extremely sad to leave them. The day guard recently has greeted me each afternoon asking about my tears. His empathy is heartwarming. We can't communicate verbally as neither speaks the other's language, but he's been concerned for me. Last week I came home from school balling each day. This week I've had a smile on my face. Every day though, he makes gestures to check for tears. We speak back and forth in our native languages and smile or laugh at the ridiculousness of it since neither understands the other. I attempt on my translator to say things, but just the gist comes through. No matter, I know he cares.

Another example of my doormen's interest is when I was training for the Great Wall last year, the guys would cheer me on. Heading out on my runs, they'd give me a thumbs up or a big smile and we'd play charades together to describe what I was doing. I learned the word for run, but never how to put it in a sentence! Pao.

Last night my neighbor took me out for a goodbye dinner. When I told a colleague about it, she said, "Your neighbor?" like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. At dinner, he said that he and his wife only ever speak to me in the hallway, that no one else really speaks to them that often. I was sad about it because we've certainly been friendly in the hallway and we've messaged now and again, but it's the first time in a year and a half we ever did anything together. A whole year and a half and it took me leaving to have a meal with the person who lived next door.

At school today, I took pictures of myself with all of my students. I wanted individual shots because I'm going to make them a book that can be kept in the classroom. I want them to have something to refer to if they feel like they miss me. Ever since I told them I was going, they've been very emotional. We have cried a lot of tears together and I've seen some aggressive behavior that was never really exhibited before. I've been taking them presents each day claiming they are for the 12 days of Christmas, but really I just want these kids to know how much I care about them. The teacher and disciplinarian in me of course makes them "earn" the prizes for good behavior, but every kid gets something each day.

On the first day of Christmas my teacher gave to me one m&m cookie
On the second day of Christmas my teacher gave to me two used books and one m&m cookie
On the third day of Christmas my teacher gave to me salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
On the fourth day of Christmas my teacher gave to me special little prizes, salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
On the fifth day of Christmas my teacher gave to me chocolate oatmeal cookies, special little prizes, salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie

Now, I am not repeating and giving the kids ALL of the stuff from the prior days, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of this whole thing. I'm not "buying" their love either because I'm still one of the strictest teachers on campus. They have sat at silent lunch the last two days for disrespectful behavior during lessons. My kids know I mean business, so even if they are getting prizes for good behavior, they are being punished for inappropriate behavior.

Aside from my gifts to kids, I'm also giving up my social life for them in the sense that ALL afternoon I now message individuals and groups on WeChat. Lord help me. I get messages up until about 10 pm of "What are you doing, I'm brushing my teeth." "What does your house look like?" "Can you show me what you're making for dinner?" "Can we FaceTime?" "Will you help me with my homework?" "Let me show you what I did at my art class." "Are you in the car? Who's driving?" "Ms. Hannah are you there?" "Ms. Hannah can you take a picture of your house?" It's adorable but it can be exhausting too! I won't complain about it though as I'm sure it will wear off and then I'll miss my kiddos and their messages.

Today might be the first day that I possibly have regretted saying I'm leaving. I miss my family, I miss Charleston, I miss my friends, but man, I'm really going to miss China too, and I can't believe I'm saying that. I am a hot mess of emotions and honestly, I don't know what to feel.

The Tables Have Turned

Just one month ago I wrote that I was STAYING in China in order to fulfill my contract at the International School of Dongguan. It was a difficult decision, turning down a position at the non-profit organization that wanted me to be a curriculum coordinator in my home town. It was difficult because the position itself was such a wonderful one and because the people who interviewed me seemed so pleasant and like those I am hoping to work with and for in the future, but I said no thank you in order to keep my word and to support those at ISD who had SAID they wanted me to stick around for the long haul...they wanted me to lead certain projects and to be a voice of reason when it comes to implementing programs to support the students.

Oh how the tables have turned. I must say that the Lord has shown me IT IS TIME TO LEAVE. I thought turning down the job in Charleston would keep me here, but the Lord pushed. He sent me message after message, and I no longer could resist. As much of my heart has been put into the work I've done at ISD, as many children and families as I have been blessed to work with and as attached as I may have become, it is time to move on. There comes a time in everyone's life that we are led in a different direction than perhaps the one we anticipated. I will submit to the Lord's will, for it is evident to me that my direction right now is home.

In just a matter of days, I am moving back to Charleston. It has been a whirlwind. I had been counting down the time before I got to go home for Christmas, so excited about being home for the holidays. Now, I'm saddened by what little time I have left with my very special students. I'm sad because I connect in so many ways with each person I encounter in my life. No matter the places I've been or the people I've met, they all get a piece of my heart.

As great of a blessing as that is, I still feel as if the time has flown since I first moved to China and I worry that I didn't do enough, see enough, experience enough. I think that's the case in my life as I remember leaving both Ireland and Italy and feeling the same way. Why didn't I take more side trips, why didn't I engage in more activities? These lessons are going to help me be more present in my life from here on out. I don't want there to be any more regrets.

Yesterday I spent the day with one of the kindest couples I've ever met and enjoyed being part of their  family excursion for the day. With friends I've made here, the rainy day fun was a perfect way to enjoy a part of China I'd not yet explored, but more importantly, to be present and to cherish moments with friends I'll have for the rest of my life.

This blog post is a short one because I simply want to say, the tables have turned, but they're always right side up when the Lord has His hand in it. I'm so very blessed for all of my experiences, and I'm eager to continue down whatever path the Lord has set before me.