I'm surprised it's only been a month since I last wrote. Honestly, it feels like much longer than that. I've been wanting to write, been craving it actually, but life here in Dongguan has been extremely busy. I should probably admit, though, that no matter WHERE I live, I tend to let myself get caught up in a hectic lifestyle.
So what, you may ask, have I been up to? For the past month, I've been contemplating my move from China, my escape, as it sometimes seems. I have read, researched, and written more applications and requests for letters of reference in the last few weeks than I think I ever have. During that time, I've also been studying for the GRE, which I take next weekend, and trying to hold myself accountable to the Beachbody 21 Day Fix. I have spent a lot of time at home, alone, as I've been reflecting on choices I've made and choices I'm having to make. My friend Jennifer once told me to write my plans in pencil and give God the eraser...this advice has served me well over the years.
My "plans" tend to change often until I KNOW for sure what I'm supposed to do. All during my Philippines trip in September, for example, I felt like I was being led to Austin. Everywhere I looked I saw signs for the place, and I felt like perhaps that would be where I next end up. As soon as I returned to Dongguan, however, Charleston started coming to me. I heard some news from home that made me extremely homesick, and I began worrying about not being with my family. I started looking at options for moving home that would NOT put me back in a classroom or working for the school district.
Two jobs sort of came to me a few weeks ago, so on top of my PhD applications, I've been interviewing via Skype and email, and trying to stay patient while waiting for a response for one of them. I signed a contract for one position which I can do anywhere in the states, so I'm excited for that, but I have been waiting on the "real" job to be offered. I've been trying to keep my cool here outwardly because although people, including my director and principal, know that I've made up my mind to leave China, they don't know (or didn't) that I was considering breaking my contract to do so. This position for the "real" job (the one that has benefits) happened to be at home, working not as a teacher, but as a curriculum coordinator for a non profit organization. There are SO many good things about the position, but the problem is that I would have to start in December, and that means I'd have to leave my post at ISD to do so. The idea of packing all of my things and shipping them back to America, finding a house (or building one) so I'd have a place to live, and leaving my kiddos and colleagues stranded all within a month or two has been, needless to say, stressing me out a little, but I've only been able to share that with a select few.
Keeping things inside is not one of my strong points. If you know me, you know I wear my heart on my sleeve. If things are going well, I share my excitement. If I'm upset or saddened by something, my tears flow steadily. If I don't like something, well, unfortunately I let you know it. So again, keeping this "secret" has been hard for me.
I trust that the Lord brought me to China for a reason and I don't regret any of my choices that got me here, but I do wonder where next He is leading me, so in the last week of my reflection, I've been mediating and praying on a few things. I've used some different methods to try and help me find peace with His plan, whatever it may be, and to just accept that when it's time for me to know my next move, I'll know.
I'd like to quickly interject here and just say that I'm not miserable in China. I know that it appears, because of Facebook posts, etc., that I'm extremely homesick and that I hate it here, but honestly, that's not 100% true. Granted, China is not where I'd choose to spend the rest of my life. I don't feel extremely happy here because there's not much China offers me personally or professionally, but it has been a good experience in many different ways and when I leave here, I will have the satisfaction of saying I lived in Asia for two years and I'll have lots of great travel stories to share with all those who'll listen.
So back to my practices this week and my learning the "art of acceptance" while I wait for the plan to reveal itself...last weekend, I gathered a few friends together and we participated in a guided meditation and energy healing. There was a girl here from Taiwan that led us. I felt the session was really good, but for me, not really guided at all. She came by and whispered in my ear, "visualize gold," when we began, but after that, she didn't come by to speak to me at all. She spent her time with the others, and only once above the whole group whispered, "Hannah you're doing great." Apparently I wasn't in need of her assistance. I was proud of myself for this. When we later had a one-on-one chat, she again told me I had done well, then she spoke of some things she learned by reading my energy. She said I look for truth and the meaning of life in everything I do. I asked her why she specifically said gold for me when we began, and her response was that it was my soul color. I found this really special as I've been told my aura is gold, and based on my internet findings, that means "of a divine presence" or "angelic." When I researched the soul color, it showed that a yellow-gold soul means that one radiates self confidence. This is something else she mentioned, that I was confident, but not in a bad way. Of course a yellow soul also means one is spiritually high up, a teacher. I felt very blessed by all of this, and it made complete sense to me.
The next day, still feeling very pensive, I did a guided meditation at home and was so blown away by what I saw that I told several friends they HAD to do it. The mediation is for meeting your future self, and I highly recommend you too consider it. You can find it on YouTube, Meeting Your Future Self. I took notes on everything I saw and felt, and all that my future self revealed to me. One of the things that really stood out was how happy and healthy I looked. I was glowing from all the good in my life, and I think that is very important because it shows I will get to a place where I am able to truly live in the moment and appreciate my life for what it is. I'm working very hard to make that my reality. The 21 Day Fix has helped me see some things about my daily habits that I'm improving, and in general, I'm always praying that I'll be better...more like the image God has of me.
On Tuesday, I had Reiki with the girl I've seen here a few times. Occasionally, I feel as if nothing is happening at all, and this week was one of those times, but I do like Reiki for the simple fact that I can lie on a table and pray to God that I find peace and healing while someone stands over me and prays for the very same thing on my behalf. Reiki isn't necessarily related to Christianity, but I've spoken with my practitioner and she too is Christian, so it's comforting to know that together we are praying to the God of all creation and asking for His healing powers for mind, body and spirit. I find great comfort in that.
Finally yesterday, I got up and went to a spa where I once was frightened away by their medieval-like neck harness and equipment used for "chiropractic" care, but returned anyway in hopes of discovering the benefits of massage with scraping. I had never had scraping, so I was a little nervous about it, but I read about the technique and decided I'd give it a shot. If you're interested, you can find information on Scraping here. Funnily enough, the information I found is actually from a practitioner who is located in, of all places, Austin, Texas.
The appointment went like this...
I walked into the spa and greeted the gentlemen who came from his tea to the desk to help me. "Ni hao," we said to one another. I made the motions for massage and scraping with little theatrical ability, and he handed me a "menu" of their services. Thankfully, there were pictures and even some English words.
He pointed to a white board with magnets which I at first assumed was the calendar of available technicians, and I got the feeling that there was no one available, but then he led me upstairs so I figured there must be an opening. We walked into a room with a foot massage chair (a recliner) and a table for massages. He turned on the air, thank goodness (it's still in the 80's here and I'd walked a mile or so before arriving at the spa). Then he pressed the on button for the TV. It quickly filled the room with sounds of Chinese wannabe singers on one of those "Voice" like programs. I attempted to turn the air down cooler when he left, but the remote kept it set on 25, so then I tried my luck at turning off the awful TV program, but again was unsuccessful.
When the girl came in for the massage, only a few minutes later, she set up the table and gestured for me to get ready; meanwhile, she stood there rather than leaving me with some privacy. I asked her to turn off the TV by saying "may yo" which is my phonetic way of spelling the Chinese for "no have." TV off and our game of charades over, I undressed to my shorts, as per her instructions. I don't really understand the point of leaving the shorts to be honest; every time I do, they remove them as they get started with the massage. It's not easy lying on your tummy while someone tries to remove your undergarments, etc. I always feel like a beached whale as they attempt to pull my pants over my hips. It's so awkward.
Anyway, after she had prepped me for the massage, with absolutely no time for modesty (I got over that LONG ago), I began to relax as she kneaded my back, arms, and glutes. I have to say, the next hour was an absolutely amazing experience. The massage itself was really good, and the scraping somehow took it to another level. It never hurt, like I anticipated. It actually tickled at times, especially around my ribs. The tool, much like the hot stones often used, really worked the muscles in a way that just the hands can not. I was more relaxed during this massage than I have been in ages, and the whole time I was coming in and out of consciousness, I kept thinking, please don't let this end. Finally, when she finished scraping, she went back over the muscles with her hands, massaging again.
This was one of the greatest pieces of body work I've had in all of Asia, and I've had lots of massages since I've been here. Leaving the spa, I felt extremely drunk, but so relaxed. I assume this feeling was the alcohol I had consumed the night before. I haven't been drinking much because of the Fix, but I had two Brooklyn IPAs on Friday night. I think these must have been coming out of my system after the massage (scraping is meant to be a way to free toxins from your body). I am bruised a little today, but it was so worth it. I thoroughly enjoyed the new technique and will certainly have scraping again.
So after a month of decision making and a week or so of good reflection and some equally good treatments, I think I can say that I will accept the things I cannot change (for the time being) and I will remain in China to fulfill my contract. I am eager to see what more I can do for my students, I'm excited to have a few fantastic trips planned (Singapore, Japan, Iceland?), and I am committed to actively seeking the positive each day. I do look forward to the day I can pack my things and leave this place for good, but knowing myself, it will be a bittersweet end; although there have been challenges, there have been numerous blessings too, and I'll forever be grateful for this experience.
