Out of the Funk and into the Light

Oh Lord, oh Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth!! It's amazing to me how, at one moment, you can be so overwhelmed and frustrated, then, like a cloud being lifted, your spirits can be reignited with love and life.

Since the "Culture Shock" post, I have had a roller coaster of emotions. One day, like in Hong Kong recently, I'm so abundantly full of joy, and the next day, I'm feeling down and depressed. Last weekend was lovely back "home" in Dongguan, but this week has been a rough one.

A lot of negative energy has surrounded me this week. I certainly contributed to it by voicing my own irritations and worries, but it was such a common norm with some of the people I've been around, it has been difficult to get my own heart and mind out of it.

This is what happens to me when I'm around others. I pick up on their energy, their emotions, their worries. That's not saying anything ugly about the people with whom I'm friends, that's just saying that there's been a lot of drama, in general, and that when we all get together and voice our frustrations, that negativity grows bigger and bigger, and the cycle is hard to break.

I had a "discussion" with some colleagues in the car on the way to work the other day where one person jumped in, closed the doors, and blurted out "Ok, we need to talk." She went on to discuss a rather heated debate we'd all been having about how to pay for the car that drives us to and from school. It's a tiny little clown car, and four of us split it in the morning, then two from the morning don't take it in the afternoon, so two others swap with them. It's a mess, really, and I swear that conversation we had on the way to school about gave me a panic attack! Shoulder to shoulder in a tiny car with bad energy, ugh! I had to blurt out, "Can we please turn on the air," just to get the energy moving around. I really can't describe how tense it was at that moment, but geez I was glad to get to school that day so I could exit the vehicle!

All is sorted with the car, I think, but things like that happened all week. I've also had a really hard time with the fact that I don't feel that I'm being fully utilized here in Dongguan. I am a good teacher. That's not bragging, that's confidence. That's proven. I have data to support the statement; I also have a long laundry list of supporters by way of parents, students, colleagues and friends. I know I'm a good teacher. I know I'm making a difference. Sometimes I question myself, but I also can get very defensive about it because my full heart and spirit goes into helping the children succeed.

It's not the classroom that worries me, it's what I'm not doing outside the classroom. In the past, I've volunteered for just about every job ever asked of someone in a school. I created the yearbook year after year in Charleston. I've written benchmark exams and taught English courses, for free, at Dublin City University, among other places. I have served on committees for textbook adoptions, worked as social studies liaison, attended meeting after meeting after training after meeting. I have been grade chair. I've helped with fundraisers. I've helped planned weddings. I've written books (and I'm working on a new one)...

Ok, I digress, and apparently toot my horn a little, but I'm trying to make a point. I do a lot. I do it though, because I know I can help make a difference, and it honest to goodness makes me feel good. It's NOT about the credit (although I know you won't believe that after reading the last paragraph). It's not about trying to prove something. It's not about wanting people to like me. It's because I know I've been blessed with certain God given talents and I feel guilty, truly guilty, when I don't use them.

On Tuesday night, I had dinner with friends and I boldly announced as soon as I walked into the restaurant, "If the conversation goes to school, I'm leaving." My friends laughed at me...they're both teachers. Of course we're going to talk about school, but seriously, I think we can all benefit by changing the subject to something else once in a while. I'm a firm believer in having other outlets.

On Wednesday night, still really feeling negative and trying to beat that "funk" I've been in, I texted my director and offered to help in any way shape or form that I could, outside of my classroom. He thanked me, but I didn't feel like he really got my message. I didn't feel like he knew how badly I needed it, to feel like I could make a difference in another way.

On Thursday morning, I went into his office, wished him a Happy American Thanksgiving, and chatted, tears flowing, about how I felt I could do more. He said, "don't bite off more than you can chew," and thanked me again for all I've already done. I left his office feeling better, but still not quite like I'd gotten my point across. If you haven't noticed, I like to write. I find I am more eloquent in written verse than in speaking. I have too many thoughts going through my head, so speaking becomes difficult for me when I'm emotional, and therefore, writing is a better means of communication for me.

Thursday night I had the most amazing Thanksgiving away from home with good friends, and it really felt like the holiday, ya know? It wasn't an awkward Island of Misfit Toys kind of Thanksgiving. It felt normal, and I really, really enjoyed the fellowship. I came home, sure I'd sleep from the tryptophan in the turkey, but to my dismay, I was wired. I addressed all of my Christmas cards (online using Shutterfly) and worked on a few other things. I made an extensive list of what I thought I could do to help make a difference at ISD...suggestions for further improving what's already been established, or little things we could start doing to better the school.

For those of you that don't know, the school where I'm working is only 3 years old. They have done an AMAZING job of starting from the ground up and building a community of learners that has already been granted accreditation by some really impressive organizations. I didn't even realize until recently just how much the school had done in the few years it has been open. It is very impressive. In any area of my life, however, I always look for ways to improve. I think the more educated we become, the better we are. The healthier we become, the better we are. The more spiritual we become, the better we are. Because of this philosophy, I believe that even ISD, which has earned so many acclimations already, can better itself too.

After a full 3 1/2 hours of sleep on Thursday night, I woke up around 3:45 am on Friday morning. Wide away, and not one to drift back off into a slumber, I started jotting down notes in my iPhone of more ways I might could help, of ideas I thought might support continued growth of ISD. I got out of the bed at 4 and did a nice half hour yoga session. I had an overwhelming desire to listen to Gregorian monks (I'm a weirdo sometimes, but it's what I wanted), so I put on my Spotify and set my station to the chanting. I showered, and had plenty of time before having to depart for school, so I sat on my couch meditating to the chants for another 15-20 minutes. After breakfast, I Facetimed home to wish my family all a Happy Thanksgiving. They were all just gathering for dinner at my 6 am, their 5 pm. It was nice to see everyone together.

Off to school I finally went, with the most positive attitude I have had in AGES. I listened to a little more music on the way to work, this time Bela Fleck's "Big Country" on repeat. This song makes me feel so connected to my Dad. With a smile on my face and a purpose in my heart, I went up to my classroom and pulled out my laptop. I had a million things to do Friday, but my priority for the morning was to write an email that I felt would express exactly what I had been feeling.

My students arrived before I could finish it, but I went back later during their morning recess and completed the email, then sent it off to my director and the curriculum coordinator for the school. All day, I went about teaching with this amazing energy. My classroom was different Friday. Although I try to remain pretty positive with my students and tease them always about being "energy vampires," Friday was a lot more positive than usual. It was a tangible difference. I felt fabulous, and my kids picked up on that.

Later, my director came to me and joked, "Be careful what you wish for." You see, the email I sent offered an itemized list of what I was capable of doing, what I'd done in the past, and what I'd like to offer my assistance in for helping ISD. He gave me a task for outside of my classroom...for organizing something for the school. I was thrilled. The curriculum coordinator came to me later, and when I apologized for sending my lengthy email, she responded, "No! Don't apologize," and then she asked if she could hug me!

After an unbelievable afternoon with another totally unexpected positive in my life, I came home around 7 on Friday evening with the craziest natural high. If you saw me, you would have thought I was on drugs! It may have been a combination of no sleep and excitement, but I was down right giddy.

I sang praises to the Lord all evening and have tried to continue those praises into the weekend. I'm tired of negative energy. I had a nice little "talking to" with Satan the other night (again, I'm crazy I know), but in my best teacher voice, I told him to leave me alone. I reassured him that God and I were not going to allow him to bring me down any more. The negativity is not welcome; actually, I think I specifically reprimanded, "This is not acceptable behavior." God's love will destroy any of that nonsense! I know that I'll have bad days in the future. I'm human, and I have my moments, but right now, I'm feeling so blessed to be out of the funk and into the Light.