A Chinese Medical Exam...No Place for the Modest

Wow. That's about all I can say.  A Chinese medical exam is an interesting thing. I guess I knew it might be, but I hadn't really considered just how or why it would be so.

When I arrived on Thursday night and settled into my apartment, I was given a lot of information.  I know for a fact though that I was not reminded of how to prepare for the medical exam I'd have the following day.  I knew what time to get up and where to meet the others, but that was it.

As I mentioned in the "Settling in" post, I woke very early on Friday morning. By the time I went downstairs at 8 am, I'd already unpacked, showered, eaten breakfast, and napped!  Did you catch what I said I did before napping?  I ate breakfast...oops!  No one reminded me that I was supposed to fast!  You know what else I did?  I took two Aleive because I had a killer headache and cramps from a certain time of the month that started the day before...while flying...while wearing white pants (sorry for lady details).  Lucky for me there was no issue the day before, but I became awfully worried knowing there was food and medication in my system.

The new girls and I were driven to the health check place, not a hospital by any means and actually, I remember reading the sign and know it was for immigrants, but now I don't recall what the actual location was called.

We went inside and filled out some paperwork where the only question we were asked was whether or not we were pregnant.  We had our photo taken and then one by one went in different rooms. There were a total of six tests altogether.  My first stop was for x-rays.  I was told (or waved at) to enter the x-ray room, take off my shoes at the door, take off my bra in the "locker" and then to hold my breath. When I say "locker," I mean a small screened area.  Taking off my bra wasn't a big deal but having to put my dress back on bra-less was entertaining.  They don't offer gowns in this facility, which you'll see is a common reason for my confusion as the exam went on.

X-rays done and bra back on, I had to do the urine test. My friend Shu-Lin had arrived a few days before me and already done the exam, so she warned me to bring hand sanitizer and tissue as there would be none provided.  The "toilet" was a hole in the ground like I've seen in Italy. I did my thing, peeing in the tiny plastic "cup" which was more like the scoop you use to get sugar out of a jar.  I asked the girl who was there to help us to tell me if it would be a problem that I was on my period (again, sorry for details), but she said it was no big deal. After I washed my hands (there was a sink after all) and sorted out the urine situation, I was taken to a glass window where my blood would be drawn. I reached my arm under the partition.  One quick tie around the arm to get my veins to show, followed by one quick needle stick, and I was all set for my third test.

This one I thought was fun, but I think the poor woman who conducted the test thinks I'm either a) dumb as a doornail or b) blind as a bat. You see, the eye exam isn't the same as we have in the states.  As a matter of fact, there are no letters like we use. Now, I would have been in serious trouble if there were Chinese symbols on the chart, so I'm lucky in this way, but I still think the lady will be prescribing me glasses.  The chart is a series of w's, if you will. All the w's are facing left, right, up or down.  I didn't know what the letter/symbol was so as she pointed, I was like "backwards e, 3, upside down w!"  I felt like a complete idiot!! Every now and again I'd say, "Oh" as in "Oh that letter." I don't even want to know what she thought of me!

From the eye exam, which I'm sure I failed, I went to my first of two favorite exams.  I walked past another curtain, taking my shoes off as I did when entering any room.  I was told to lie down and pull my dress up.  Oh yeah, dresses on Chinese exam days are not the thing to wear.  Easy to maneuver, but not for the modest.  Actually, I've never really considered myself modest before Friday.  I have had massages all over the world where I have had no problem stripping down to my birthday suit and letting total strangers rub me down. This was a little different though, and disclaimer, since I wear thongs, it made it all the more interesting.

So I was lying on my back with my dress pulled up to my bra. The lady slathered jelly all over my stomach for an ultrasound, which I didn't know I was getting.  She checked out all my insides then told me to turn left.  "Left, left" she said several times, but I had no idea what she was saying or what she meant. When I figured it out, I rolled left, but this left the poor woman with my white behind in her face!  Daggum fannyless panties!!  "Right" she said, and I turned right so she had the opportunity to check both my sides.  When all finished, she gave me two, TWO, tissues to wipe off all the goo, and I was sent on my way.

Giggling, I headed out and sat to wait on my final exam. Oh, this one got even better!  When called, I went into the last room where there was a table with 6 long wires attached to clips all hooked onto the bed. This exam was for my EKG, but I didn't know this going in. I was told once again to lie down and pull up my dress, but this time I had to pull up my bra too.  So there I was, with barely any panties on and my dress and bra up to my neck.  The exam lady snapped two clips to my ankles, put two on my stomach, and clipped two under my breasts. I didn't see the actual attachment to my breasts, but it felt like she'd put pinchers on me so I kept thinking it was checking the fat!  I had already had a moment with the ultrasound where I, in my head, heard the Chinese guy in "The Hangover" say of Zack Galifianakas' character, "It's funny because he fat!" *See clip.  Trying not to laugh or squirm out of pain, I let her do her thing, and when finished went back to the waiting room.

We were soon all done with our exams and headed out for the rest of our first day in China adventures, about which I've already written.  What I haven't yet shared is what I noticed when I got home that evening.  First off, when I went to shower and took my dress off at the end of the day, I noticed about three tiny pieces of tissue stuck to my stomach!  Hilarious.  Then, I noticed a mark under one breast which I came to conclude was from the EKG...they weren't clips on my breasts, they were suction cups! Ouch!  Yeah, I was left with a nice round bruise.

All in all, the tests weren't too invasive, and I did get some comic relief out of them.  I'm now just waiting on the results which I'm sure will tell me I'm obese, blind and in serious need of medical attention.  In America I'm fine, but in China, who knows!!