A New Year

It is almost impossible to believe that 2015 is coming to a close in just a matter of hours. In all honesty, in many ways, it already has. From my leaving China, to returning back to Charleston and leaving friends spread across countries between the two, I get to celebrate the new year repeatedly for a full day. I've already received "Happy New Year's" messages from many friends who are celebrating in Asia even now as I write.

2015 was amazing. This time last December, I was on an 80 foot yacht under the Sydney Harbour Bridge, sipping champagne in a hot tub upon the top deck. Not a bad way to ring in the new year. From Australia, I went back to China, to America, the Philippines, the United Kingdom, Ireland and then home again. I made some new friends and enjoyed time with those I have been lucky to have in my life for many years. I had my eyes opened to many new experiences, and I was able to get to know myself even more. That's what traveling does for you. You discover so much about the world and the people who live in it, but all the while, you gain insight into who you really are. You'd be surprised just how much a person learns by being a "globe trotter." I feel, out of all of my blessings by way of travel, this is the most significant. Knowing who I truly am, and learning what is most important to me, what beliefs are non-negotiables, and what my life is meant to be is the most wonderful blessing of all.

In 2015, although there were challenges that brought me to my knees, and questions I felt might never be answered, I can see so vividly now why those difficult times were part of my journey. They, as terrible as they were at the time, brought me here.

Where is here, you ask? Well, "here" is a number of places. I'm currently sitting at my mother's kitchen table. She's busy preparing tomorrow's New Year's dinner. The radio is softly playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony, which is "ironic" in a way, but I don't really believe in irony, so perhaps it's just another of God's signs. Tonight I head to Wadmalaw Island, a beautiful spot that epitomizes God's artistic ability. I get to spend the evening with some of my favorite kids. I really can't think of any better way to bring this year to an end. Tomorrow, I head to the Isle of Palms, another place that God shows off his talent...the island is dotted with palm trees, and the sounds from the crashing waves, seagulls and soft breezes are the most soothing melodies. These are the calming "noises" that help me forget all about the honking horns, hocking loogies, and terrible "apple song" I remember all too vividly from my time in China. You'll only get this of course if you have in fact experienced it yourself.

Although this New Year's Eve will be a completely different experience for me, much more low key and without the "party" I am used to, I am excited for it. I'm excited for the year ahead. I am in the right place, both physically and spiritually; I can feel it in my bones. I am not "stuck" in Charleston, as I felt when I moved home from Italy in 2012. I am free. I have the ability to choose my path. God's grace has led me this far, and I am proud to be at a point in my life that I can see and hear His word, knowing that He's with me every step of the way. Challenges may still put stumbling blocks at my feet, but I am strong enough to keep my balance, to step over those bumps, and to continue down a road that I know will lead me to a bright future. I feel so very confident that 2016 is going to be amazing, and I'm just so excited to be "here" at this very moment for every blessing each breath brings.

This will be my last "hesinchina" post...more adventures to come though, obviously. :)

To all of you, wherever you are, Happy New Year. With love, HES XOXO

I Don't Know What to Feel

I have had such a roller coaster of emotions the last two weeks. The decision to leave ISD came so quickly, yet in hindsight it had been building up in me for months. Think back. I bought a CAR a WEEK before moving back to China. I have been looking at properties (to build or buy) since I got here in August. I have applied for jobs in Charleston (one of which was offered).

The reason I'm leaving now rather than in June is still rather hush hush around here, but of course I can see how the explosiveness of the conversation that led to my resignation is now wearing off, at least a little bit. I have had no time to think, yet so much time for reflection. My life has consisted of the normal lesson planning/teaching/school responsibilities and the routine that I follow on an everyday basis, but it's also been chock full of me having to sort out who will take over my responsibilities at school. Who will teach grade 3, who will be the PBIS chair, who will lead the Sunshine Committee, who will take over my recess duty, who will make sure my part of the yearbook gets done? When will I get report cards done, what classroom materials need to be ordered for next year, what data can I share with the teachers who are coming in, what lesson plans can I share for the months ahead? There's also the sad parents and students who question me constantly, "Why are you really leaving?" "What's wrong with the school?" "Are you ill?" "Were you physically abused?" "What will you do in America?" "Can you please stay and so and so please go?"

With that, I've also had the stress of the moving process: selling items, walking those items all over Dongguan to deliver them, packing boxes, making everything I possibly can out of the foodstuffs in my pantry (I've cooked/baked almost daily for the last week...homemade banana muffins, m&m sugar cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, no bake peanut butter balls and a whole assortment of pasta dishes and soups just to name a few) and trying to see everyone who now knows I'm leaving and wants to get one last dinner/drink/chat in before I go.

I'm exhausted but so far behind. I'm looking around my apartment at the bags of things to be delivered to expats in the area and the boxes of things that aren't yet packed because I'm still waiting on bubble wrap. I am looking at suitcases that will barely zip now but a closet full of clothes that have to go somewhere. I'm thinking about how much I love this apartment as I sit down to eat my cabbage soup on this cold and wet December night and with both laptops in front of me, I begin to cry. I take a break from my schoolwork (which you know I don't normally do from home) and I bring my personal laptop to the couch so I can write a little for myself...I will use it as therapy.

Sitting here in this apartment and writing has been one very good thing about my time in China. This apartment itself has been one of the two things I've loved unconditionally since I got here (the other being my kids). My apartment has been the one thing I could count on though. It's my space...my home. It's where I've escaped the nonsense of ISD an the craziness of China. I feel I've had a productive year and a half of writing in this apartment. I've kept up with the blog a pretty good amount. I've written for the magazine for several consecutive months now. I've written another Gia book, although not published yet. I've started a memoir and a children's (preteen) novel. I'm proud of that, even if the things never go to print.

This apartment has been good to me. The people in my building have been good to me. When I got in the elevator coming up after school today, for example, I thought about the security guards who have been so kind to me, so protective and interested. I feel extremely sad to leave them. The day guard recently has greeted me each afternoon asking about my tears. His empathy is heartwarming. We can't communicate verbally as neither speaks the other's language, but he's been concerned for me. Last week I came home from school balling each day. This week I've had a smile on my face. Every day though, he makes gestures to check for tears. We speak back and forth in our native languages and smile or laugh at the ridiculousness of it since neither understands the other. I attempt on my translator to say things, but just the gist comes through. No matter, I know he cares.

Another example of my doormen's interest is when I was training for the Great Wall last year, the guys would cheer me on. Heading out on my runs, they'd give me a thumbs up or a big smile and we'd play charades together to describe what I was doing. I learned the word for run, but never how to put it in a sentence! Pao.

Last night my neighbor took me out for a goodbye dinner. When I told a colleague about it, she said, "Your neighbor?" like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. At dinner, he said that he and his wife only ever speak to me in the hallway, that no one else really speaks to them that often. I was sad about it because we've certainly been friendly in the hallway and we've messaged now and again, but it's the first time in a year and a half we ever did anything together. A whole year and a half and it took me leaving to have a meal with the person who lived next door.

At school today, I took pictures of myself with all of my students. I wanted individual shots because I'm going to make them a book that can be kept in the classroom. I want them to have something to refer to if they feel like they miss me. Ever since I told them I was going, they've been very emotional. We have cried a lot of tears together and I've seen some aggressive behavior that was never really exhibited before. I've been taking them presents each day claiming they are for the 12 days of Christmas, but really I just want these kids to know how much I care about them. The teacher and disciplinarian in me of course makes them "earn" the prizes for good behavior, but every kid gets something each day.

On the first day of Christmas my teacher gave to me one m&m cookie
On the second day of Christmas my teacher gave to me two used books and one m&m cookie
On the third day of Christmas my teacher gave to me salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
On the fourth day of Christmas my teacher gave to me special little prizes, salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie
On the fifth day of Christmas my teacher gave to me chocolate oatmeal cookies, special little prizes, salted butter popcorn, two used books and one m&m cookie

Now, I am not repeating and giving the kids ALL of the stuff from the prior days, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of this whole thing. I'm not "buying" their love either because I'm still one of the strictest teachers on campus. They have sat at silent lunch the last two days for disrespectful behavior during lessons. My kids know I mean business, so even if they are getting prizes for good behavior, they are being punished for inappropriate behavior.

Aside from my gifts to kids, I'm also giving up my social life for them in the sense that ALL afternoon I now message individuals and groups on WeChat. Lord help me. I get messages up until about 10 pm of "What are you doing, I'm brushing my teeth." "What does your house look like?" "Can you show me what you're making for dinner?" "Can we FaceTime?" "Will you help me with my homework?" "Let me show you what I did at my art class." "Are you in the car? Who's driving?" "Ms. Hannah are you there?" "Ms. Hannah can you take a picture of your house?" It's adorable but it can be exhausting too! I won't complain about it though as I'm sure it will wear off and then I'll miss my kiddos and their messages.

Today might be the first day that I possibly have regretted saying I'm leaving. I miss my family, I miss Charleston, I miss my friends, but man, I'm really going to miss China too, and I can't believe I'm saying that. I am a hot mess of emotions and honestly, I don't know what to feel.

The Tables Have Turned

Just one month ago I wrote that I was STAYING in China in order to fulfill my contract at the International School of Dongguan. It was a difficult decision, turning down a position at the non-profit organization that wanted me to be a curriculum coordinator in my home town. It was difficult because the position itself was such a wonderful one and because the people who interviewed me seemed so pleasant and like those I am hoping to work with and for in the future, but I said no thank you in order to keep my word and to support those at ISD who had SAID they wanted me to stick around for the long haul...they wanted me to lead certain projects and to be a voice of reason when it comes to implementing programs to support the students.

Oh how the tables have turned. I must say that the Lord has shown me IT IS TIME TO LEAVE. I thought turning down the job in Charleston would keep me here, but the Lord pushed. He sent me message after message, and I no longer could resist. As much of my heart has been put into the work I've done at ISD, as many children and families as I have been blessed to work with and as attached as I may have become, it is time to move on. There comes a time in everyone's life that we are led in a different direction than perhaps the one we anticipated. I will submit to the Lord's will, for it is evident to me that my direction right now is home.

In just a matter of days, I am moving back to Charleston. It has been a whirlwind. I had been counting down the time before I got to go home for Christmas, so excited about being home for the holidays. Now, I'm saddened by what little time I have left with my very special students. I'm sad because I connect in so many ways with each person I encounter in my life. No matter the places I've been or the people I've met, they all get a piece of my heart.

As great of a blessing as that is, I still feel as if the time has flown since I first moved to China and I worry that I didn't do enough, see enough, experience enough. I think that's the case in my life as I remember leaving both Ireland and Italy and feeling the same way. Why didn't I take more side trips, why didn't I engage in more activities? These lessons are going to help me be more present in my life from here on out. I don't want there to be any more regrets.

Yesterday I spent the day with one of the kindest couples I've ever met and enjoyed being part of their  family excursion for the day. With friends I've made here, the rainy day fun was a perfect way to enjoy a part of China I'd not yet explored, but more importantly, to be present and to cherish moments with friends I'll have for the rest of my life.

This blog post is a short one because I simply want to say, the tables have turned, but they're always right side up when the Lord has His hand in it. I'm so very blessed for all of my experiences, and I'm eager to continue down whatever path the Lord has set before me.

Decision Making, The Art of Acceptance, and Healing Along the Way

I'm surprised it's only been a month since I last wrote. Honestly, it feels like much longer than that. I've been wanting to write, been craving it actually, but life here in Dongguan has been extremely busy. I should probably admit, though, that no matter WHERE I live, I tend to let myself get caught up in a hectic lifestyle.

So what, you may ask, have I been up to? For the past month, I've been contemplating my move from China, my escape, as it sometimes seems. I have read, researched, and written more applications and requests for letters of reference in the last few weeks than I think I ever have. During that time, I've also been studying for the GRE, which I take next weekend, and trying to hold myself accountable to the Beachbody 21 Day Fix. I have spent a lot of time at home, alone, as I've been reflecting on choices I've made and choices I'm having to make. My friend Jennifer once told me to write my plans in pencil and give God the eraser...this advice has served me well over the years.

My "plans" tend to change often until I KNOW for sure what I'm supposed to do. All during my Philippines trip in September, for example, I felt like I was being led to Austin. Everywhere I looked I saw signs for the place, and I felt like perhaps that would be where I next end up. As soon as I returned to Dongguan, however, Charleston started coming to me. I heard some news from home that made me extremely homesick, and I began worrying about not being with my family. I started looking at options for moving home that would NOT put me back in a classroom or working for the school district.

Two jobs sort of came to me a few weeks ago, so on top of my PhD applications, I've been interviewing via Skype and email, and trying to stay patient while waiting for a response for one of them. I signed a contract for one position which I can do anywhere in the states, so I'm excited for that, but I have been waiting on the "real" job to be offered. I've been trying to keep my cool here outwardly because although people, including my director and principal, know that I've made up my mind to leave China, they don't know (or didn't) that I was considering breaking my contract to do so. This position for the "real" job (the one that has benefits) happened to be at home, working not as a teacher, but as a curriculum coordinator for a non profit organization. There are SO many good things about the position, but the problem is that I would have to start in December, and that means I'd have to leave my post at ISD to do so. The idea of packing all of my things and shipping them back to America, finding a house (or building one) so I'd have a place to live, and leaving my kiddos and colleagues stranded all within a month or two has been, needless to say, stressing me out a little, but I've only been able to share that with a select few.

Keeping things inside is not one of my strong points. If you know me, you know I wear my heart on my sleeve. If things are going well, I share my excitement. If I'm upset or saddened by something, my tears flow steadily. If I don't like something, well, unfortunately I let you know it. So again, keeping this "secret" has been hard for me.

I trust that the Lord brought me to China for a reason and I don't regret any of my choices that got me here, but I do wonder where next He is leading me, so in the last week of my reflection, I've been mediating and praying on a few things. I've used some different methods to try and help me find peace with His plan, whatever it may be, and to just accept that when it's time for me to know my next move, I'll know.

I'd like to quickly interject here and just say that I'm not miserable in China. I know that it appears, because of Facebook posts, etc., that I'm extremely homesick and that I hate it here, but honestly, that's not 100% true. Granted, China is not where I'd choose to spend the rest of my life. I don't feel extremely happy here because there's not much China offers me personally or professionally, but it has been a good experience in many different ways and when I leave here, I will have the satisfaction of saying I lived in Asia for two years and I'll have lots of great travel stories to share with all those who'll listen.

So back to my practices this week and my learning the "art of acceptance" while I wait for the plan to reveal itself...last weekend, I gathered a few friends together and we participated in a guided meditation and energy healing. There was a girl here from Taiwan that led us. I felt the session was really good, but for me, not really guided at all. She came by and whispered in my ear, "visualize gold," when we began, but after that, she didn't come by to speak to me at all. She spent her time with the others, and only once above the whole group whispered, "Hannah you're doing great." Apparently I wasn't in need of her assistance. I was proud of myself for this. When we later had a one-on-one chat, she again told me I had done well, then she spoke of some things she learned by reading my energy. She said I look for truth and the meaning of life in everything I do. I asked her why she specifically said gold for me when we began, and her response was that it was my soul color. I found this really special as I've been told my aura is gold, and based on my internet findings, that means "of a divine presence" or "angelic." When I researched the soul color, it showed that a yellow-gold soul means that one radiates self confidence. This is something else she mentioned, that I was confident, but not in a bad way. Of course a yellow soul also means one is spiritually high up, a teacher. I felt very blessed by all of this, and it made complete sense to me.

The next day, still feeling very pensive, I did a guided meditation at home and was so blown away by what I saw that I told several friends they HAD to do it. The mediation is for meeting your future self, and I highly recommend you too consider it. You can find it on YouTube, Meeting Your Future Self.  I took notes on everything I saw and felt, and all that my future self revealed to me. One of the things that really stood out was how happy and healthy I looked. I was glowing from all the good in my life, and I think that is very important because it shows I will get to a place where I am able to truly live in the moment and appreciate my life for what it is. I'm working very hard to make that my reality. The 21 Day Fix has helped me see some things about my daily habits that I'm improving, and in general, I'm always praying that I'll be better...more like the image God has of me.

On Tuesday, I had Reiki with the girl I've seen here a few times. Occasionally, I feel as if nothing is happening at all, and this week was one of those times, but I do like Reiki for the simple fact that I can lie on a table and pray to God that I find peace and healing while someone stands over me and prays for the very same thing on my behalf. Reiki isn't necessarily related to Christianity, but I've spoken with my practitioner and she too is Christian, so it's comforting to know that together we are praying to the God of all creation and asking for His healing powers for mind, body and spirit. I find great comfort in that.

Finally yesterday, I got up and went to a spa where I once was frightened away by their medieval-like neck harness and equipment used for "chiropractic" care, but returned anyway in hopes of discovering the benefits of massage with scraping. I had never had scraping, so I was a little nervous about it, but I read about the technique and decided I'd give it a shot. If you're interested, you can find information on Scraping here. Funnily enough, the information I found is actually from a practitioner who is located in, of all places, Austin, Texas.

The appointment went like this...

I walked into the spa and greeted the gentlemen who came from his tea to the desk to help me. "Ni hao," we said to one another. I made the motions for massage and scraping with little theatrical ability, and he handed me a "menu" of their services. Thankfully, there were pictures and even some English words.

He pointed to a white board with magnets which I at first assumed was the calendar of available technicians, and I got the feeling that there was no one available, but then he led me upstairs so I figured there must be an opening. We walked into a room with a foot massage chair (a recliner) and a table for massages. He turned on the air, thank goodness (it's still in the 80's here and I'd walked a mile or so before arriving at the spa). Then he pressed the on button for the TV. It quickly filled the room with sounds of Chinese wannabe singers on one of those "Voice" like programs. I attempted to turn the air down cooler when he left, but the remote kept it set on 25, so then I tried my luck at turning off the awful TV program, but again was unsuccessful.

When the girl came in for the massage, only a few minutes later, she set up the table and gestured for me to get ready; meanwhile, she stood there rather than leaving me with some privacy. I asked her to turn off the TV by saying "may yo" which is my phonetic way of spelling the Chinese for "no have." TV off and our game of charades over, I undressed to my shorts, as per her instructions. I don't really understand the point of leaving the shorts to be honest; every time I do, they remove them as they get started with the massage. It's not easy lying on your tummy while someone tries to remove your undergarments, etc. I always feel like a beached whale as they attempt to pull my pants over my hips. It's so awkward.

Anyway, after she had prepped me for the massage, with absolutely no time for modesty (I got over that LONG ago), I began to relax as she kneaded my back, arms, and glutes. I have to say, the next hour was an absolutely amazing experience. The massage itself was really good, and the scraping somehow took it to another level. It never hurt, like I anticipated. It actually tickled at times, especially around my ribs. The tool, much like the hot stones often used, really worked the muscles in a way that just the hands can not. I was more relaxed during this massage than I have been in ages, and the whole time I was coming in and out of consciousness, I kept thinking, please don't let this end. Finally, when she finished scraping, she went back over the muscles with her hands, massaging again.

This was one of the greatest pieces of body work I've had in all of Asia, and I've had lots of massages since I've been here. Leaving the spa, I felt extremely drunk, but so relaxed. I assume this feeling was the alcohol I had consumed the night before. I haven't been drinking much because of the Fix, but I had two Brooklyn IPAs on Friday night. I think these must have been coming out of my system after the massage (scraping is meant to be a way to free toxins from your body). I am bruised a little today, but it was so worth it. I thoroughly enjoyed the new technique and will certainly have scraping again.

So after a month of decision making and a week or so of good reflection and some equally good treatments, I think I can say that I will accept the things I cannot change (for the time being) and I will remain in China to fulfill my contract. I am eager to see what more I can do for my students, I'm excited to have a few fantastic trips planned (Singapore, Japan, Iceland?), and I am committed to actively seeking the positive each day. I do look forward to the day I can pack my things and leave this place for good, but knowing myself, it will be a bittersweet end; although there have been challenges, there have been numerous blessings too, and I'll forever be grateful for this experience.

You Think You Know Me

I've had a very interesting, very lazy weekend since arriving back from the Philippines. Friday night I showered, made myself dinner, and crashed. Saturday morning I woke up early, 5:30, started all my laundry, and began writing. I said all last week that I needed my computer because writing for me, even when I don't "publish" for anyone other than myself, is therapy. I didn't have my journal either, so anytime I felt the urge, I wrote in the notes app on my phone, but I didn't get the same sense of fulfillment from that.

Yesterday ended up being one of those days that I accomplished exactly what I intended, although it may not seem like much to you. It was a day I stayed in my pjs all day long. It was pouring rain, which I thank God for because it's the kind of weather I wanted, and truthfully, needed. I drank my cuppa English tea (which I'd talked about all week while away) and moved only from my couch to the floor, to the table, or to my bed, all the while writing. I worked on a blog, some personal pieces, and A LOT of applications. I never made it outside and I think most of the day I had the curtains pulled. I realize that this may be a sign to some of you of "depression," but let me assure you it's not. It's called me time. It's something I have to do in order to cleanse what's already occurred and prepare for what lies ahead.

I've talked a lot about this with my cousin, and we both agree that I am an introvert. It's hard to explain because I do love people and I enjoy getting out there and socializing, but really and truly, I prefer my quiet time alone. After a week of holiday with a friend and having very little time to myself, all I wanted to do this weekend was veg. Let me quickly say that my friend was awesome actually and did allow me time for private meditation and prayer while we were on the islands, but still, I craved more.

I think after the week away in a place that, although was beautiful in it's own right, was a little bit unsettling, I needed to decompress. The contrast between the crystal blue water/white sandy beaches and the dilapidated third world buildings was so stark. The incident with "La," the homeless man I met who hurt his foot, was the icing on the cake for me and it emotionally drained me. (Read more about this on my link for #feelingblessed.)

This "draining" is a characteristic of my being an empath. So this is where I ask, "You think you know me?" I don't ask it condescendingly and I don't mean anything hurtful by it, but I ask it because I wonder, how well do you know me, if in fact at all?

Let's go back for a moment to the fact that I'm an introvert. After reading about this on The Huffington Post, I have a checklist for you...you can answer on my behalf, or you can answer for yourself if you're interested in knowing whether or not you are an introvert. What I love about this particular article is the opening:

"Think you can spot an introvert in a crowd? Think again. Although the stereotypical introvert may be the one at the party who's hanging out alone by the food table fiddling with an iPhone, the "social butterfly" can just as easily have an introverted personality."

I think it's interesting because many of you who know me, or think you know me, might assume because I love to travel and meet new people and because I'm always in the middle of things at work, standing in front of others, etc., that I'm actually an extrovert, but I hope you'll think again after looking at a few of these signs.

I took these from a list of 23 signs posted on the Huffington Post article. I chose the ones that resonated most with me. Please see the full article (hyperlinked above) to read more.

Signs you're an introvert:
1) Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you.
2) Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.
3) When you get on the subway, you sit on the end of the bench not in the middle.
4) You start to shut down after you've been active for too long.
5) You notice details that others don't.
6) You have low blood pressure.
7) You've been called an "old soul."
8) You look at the big picture.
9) You're a writer.
10) You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.

These just make sense, and they describe me to a "T," especially 1, 4, 7, 9 and 10. In particular, they stand out because of the previous week I had and how I needed to spend the weekend after it; 7 is thrown in because it's the truth no matter the situation.

Now, for the empath side of me. I googled, "signs you are an empath," and came across an article on Introvert Spring that funnily enough, started like this:

"If you are an introvert who is highly sensitive, you might also be an empath."

The next line in the article defines empaths this way:

"Empaths are highly sensitive individuals who deeply feel the emotion of those around them."

If you read through the 10 signs listed, and you do in fact know me, I think you'll agree that I demonstrate many of these characteristics. Actually, if you know me REALLY well, I bet you can choose which are LESS like me and which are MORE like me.

1) Creative Expression.

2) Reading People's Emotions.

3) Peacemaker.

4) Love Animals and Nature.

5) Moody Recluse.

6) Can't Do Things You Don't Like.

7) Free Spirit.

8) Problem Solver.

9) Magnetic.

10) Eclectic Taste in Music.

Did you say that 4 is a funny description for me?  I find it amusing because I don't love animals so much. Please don't get me wrong...I've always dogsat and treated animals very well. Even in the Philippines my heart went out to the dogs I saw on the road; they were all so skinny and mangy. I ended up sharing my hamburger leftovers with a cute little puppy outside of my room on our last night. I believe one day I'll have a dog of my own, but not until I have a family of my own. 

I don't exactly love nature so much either in the sense that I don't want to go camping or anything, but I do enjoy a good lake/ocean/mountain view and crave feeling my feet touch the grass. I am rejuvenated by a good ocean breeze or a gust of wind over the mountains, so in these ways, yes, I do love nature. 

What about # 8? I think if you know me and you read the full article, # 8 is spot on.

"Problem Solver-Empaths will search relentlessly for answers to a problem. Their motto is “there is always a way”. And thanks to their persistence, they usually find it."

So I busted out laughing reading that...if you know me, you know why. I don't give up. If I want something, I'll bug the heck of someone/anyone to get it or to find a way to make it happen. My picture should be next to the word persistent in the dictionary....seriously.

Again, these are just a few signs of many, but I can relate to them both for introverts and empaths. As I sit here writing, it's pouring rain outside. I'm listening to Ben Howard on Spotify...the perfect, soft, reflective kind of music. I'm drinking my third cuppa tea in two days (that's not like me as I really don't drink much caffeine). It's 6 pm and I've only been awake 4 hours (that's also not me). I was so drained from this week, and staying up until 3 am watching Netflix, that I slept all morning and most of the afternoon. The weather made it easy to do so.

The point is of course that after a week of full on activity, even on a beach side, relaxing kind of holiday, I needed to reset myself, especially since I have to go back to a job that I honestly don't love and struggle with still.

After reading this post, hopefully now you can say you do in fact know me a little better, and perhaps it helped you to know yourself a little more too. For now, I remain reflective and reconsidering where I am, and where I'm meant to go next...

#FeelingBlessed

I use that hashtag often enough when I post to Instagram...I use it when I feel the Lord speaking to me, reminding me of His presence and unwavering love.

Upon arrival in Boracay, I was almost instantly in that "feeling blessed" mode. The water was crystal blue, the sounds of the ocean poured through the windows at my gorgeous hilltop villa, the people were unbelievably friendly, and I saw and felt God's presence in so many ways. From the small churches scattered along the overcrowded streets, to the not so hidden message of "God is Love" painted on the first trike I took, I knew God was at work in the Philippines. Over the course of the week I spent there, I saw more people in Christian t-shirts than I've seen in any other part of the world. When asking for the wifi password at a beach front bar, the lady said it was "God bless you," and made sure to remind my friend and me that it was spelled with a capital G. I cried....seriously. After living in a country where He is not the main focus of many people's lives, I truly felt blessed to be visiting the Philippines where I could see Him "doing His thing."

It's hard for me to travel because I always judge how hospitable people are. Coming from Charleston, I suppose I expect all cities to be friendly and welcoming, but unfortunately I have found that they are not. I was pleasantly surprised with the kindness that I encountered in the Philippines. Everyone, I mean everyone, spoke, "Good morning ma'am." People offered to help carry our bags, to escort us, to take us around the island. Granted, some of this may have been solely for the tips, but still, you could feel their warmth and genuineness. I've been to many places where this is not common and it always turns me off of a place when the people are not welcoming.

On Thursday afternoon after a day at the beach and too much sun, my friend and I thought we would go sit at a beach front restaurant and have a snack. We opted for a place I'd read about on Trip Advisor...Epic. It was a really beautiful space in that it was very clean and open. A lot of what you find on the island of Boracay is older and often quite run down. Don't get me wrong, there are nice places too, but the contrast between the spaces is overwhelmingly drastic.

Epic is a restaurant/bar that, to my understanding, gets a little night club-y after hours. For our afternoon visit, it was calm and family friendly.

We ordered a plate of nachos and a few bottles of water before later I requested a beer.  We ate and relaxed, people watching, for a good hour or more. It was after eating when I had just received my beer that an older gentleman stumbled across our path. He stopped in front of our table but didn't speak, rather he just pointed to his foot. I could see that it was bleeding. Not sure what to do, I froze momentarily. My empathic vibes started working overtime and I began to cry as he walked away. You may think I'm crazy, but his soul was calling out to me, begging me for help.

I could take it no longer so I reached for some napkins and my bag of wet wipes and headed over to where he'd fallen. He was next to a beach chair about 10 yards away. I walked over to him and asked what was wrong. I spoke to him almost as if he were a child, lovingly and with patience as he wasn't really speaking back. After a few moments of me trying to encourage him to clean his foot with the wipes (I've had too many blood born pathogens classes to have done it myself without gloves), I asked if he'd eaten today. He said no and so I gave him a little money, what equals a dollar or so...pathetic. Then I walked away, but he continued to pull at my heart strings.

When I returned to the table, I no longer wanted my beer. I sat there a few moments and was amazed to see the staff from the restaurant gather a first aid kit and a pitcher of water. They went over the the man and cleaned and bandaged his foot for him. As they did so, a crowd gathered around. This made me angry...he was not a spectacle at which to be stared. I prayed and prayed for him and just couldn't let go.

When the staff came back and the man was left resting on the the lounge chair, I asked if they would prepare a meal for him. The hostess first said if she did, that he'd just ask for money or something more. I told her that during the few minutes he and I spoke, he never asked for anything from me. She seemed to change her heart and she shared with me that he had been abandoned by his family, Koreans, she thought. They had all come to the Philippines together but apparently they left him alone when they relocated. My heart sank even further.

As the man, who only could share with me his name to be "La," had only one tooth, ordering food was not the easiest task, but the hostess helped me choose a rice dish that is liked by the locals. I ordered him a bottle of water as well. When it was all prepared, I took the food to him and patted him on the shoulder telling him to take care of his foot. "Salamat" he repeated, "thank you." My heart was overflowing with worry for him. I wanted to take him home with me, to offer him more. I wanted to speak with him about God's love but for whatever reason, whether it be my own fear, Satan's interference, or something else, I didn't. I have prayed for him every day since I met him and I am sitting here this morning writing and crying, as usual, over the blessing that came to me on a beach in Boracay. If you are reading this, please lift up the man I know as "La" and ask that he, if he doesn't already know the Lord, cross paths with someone else who will be braver than I. Please remember him in your prayers and while you're at it, remember all of the island of Boracay as it was a truly awesome thing to feel God's presence there.

I Put My Hope in His Holy Word

It has been a long road living here in China and trying to figure out if I have a place to worship the Lord as well as a place to congregate with other Christians. I have repeatedly visited a church in Dongguan and a church in Hong Kong. I attempted a bible study with colleagues, but it only lasted 4-6 months before fading away. I have done my devotional pretty much every day that I've been in China, but I struggle because I don't feel at home here and although my relationship with the Lord is fine, I don't know if I'm spiritually growing. I was so pleased this year when new colleagues joined the team at ISD and I saw them at church one Sunday. The next week my new boss was there, although I didn't see him, and when I asked him about it later he told me his father actually wanted him to be a pastor. It was nice, so nice, to have more Christians join me in Dongguan.

As I believe I mentioned once before, my pastor at First Baptist in Charleston suggested to me that I attend a church here, even if it wasn't the kind of service I was used to. He pretty much said attend for the sake of attending...because God will work in mysterious ways and if I'm listening to Him, I will hear His message. On a regular basis, I have to pray that the Lord will let me release my "issues" with the church where I go here. I pray that Satan won't try to fool me into thinking I'm not meant to be there. I pray that I'll be blessed by the word of God. Even though the service is unusual, in my opinion, and even though the music is much more contemporary than I'm used to on a Sunday morning, I can still be blessed. I find that I am blessed in different ways when I attend the services at Trinity Bible Fellowship.

This morning, I said my usual pepping myself up prayers and then I sat for ten minutes or so before the service started. I'm not greeted by too many at the church, which bothers me a little, but I'm also a bit of an introvert in ways and so although I smile and nod, say good morning, etc., I don't go out of my way to speak to others either. When the service began, the praise band started up the music with another song with which I'm not familiar, but luckily the words are always on the screens and the musicians are very good at leading us. In particular, there is a guy, whose name I just learned today is Josh, who leads on the bongos and does most of the prayer at the start of the services. I could feel the spirit moving me this morning and I could see it moving in Josh as well. He and the other lead singer often close their eyes and raise their arms, and although this is not my way, it's often nice to see them sing their praises. During our last beginning worship song, Josh was crying quite heavily and he asked us to sing the chorus over and over. When it ended, he was red in the face and very tear stained. He and the rest of the band took a seat in the audience and then the pastor went up for announcements. This is when things took a turn for the worse.

Out of nowhere, I heard a loud "clunk." Then I heard a woman scream. That was followed by a shrill hysterical child-like cry. I heard another scream, "Don't touch him, don't touch him." I had no idea what was happening. I turned to the lady on my left and said, "Are there any members here who are medical?" She answered with a confused "I don't know." The pastor sat on stage and many members sitting around the "accident" jumped up and crowded around, then the drummer stood and tried to get people to back away. The guitar player raced over, but I still couldn't see what was happening. At first, I thought it must be a child that had fallen off the chair and perhaps busted his nose. Then, the pastor finally made a comment that made me think otherwise. "He's not been feeling well." After this, I thought it must be an elderly person who passed out, or worse, died.

The children were led out of the congregation so they could go to their Sunday school classes, but more to just get them away from the commotion. I felt as if we should all relocate, but I sat frozen.

I heard a Chinese woman ask if she should call for emergency assistance. I couldn't believe no one had done so yet. The first screaming Chinese woman was hysterically repeating, "You're not holy, you're not holy." I could hear the swooshing of people blocking her swinging arms. I could hear her trying to fight them off, but I couldn't see anything. I didn't want to stare or look around uncomfortably, so I kept my head bowed.

I did look up for a moment, and I saw a group of people gathered around the fallen person and then another group crowded around the lady that was screaming. I heard someone call out, "Please pray, just pray." I bowed my head again and did just that. I cried, and cried, and prayed. I prayed for the screaming woman to be calmed. I prayed for the person, whom I still hadn't identified, that was lying on the ground. I prayed for our spirits, those in the congregation, to be free of worry.

The pastor made a joke, "He's just not gotten enough attention lately." I'm sure he was trying to break the ice, to help alleviate the pain and confusion we were all feeling. I wasn't offended, but I didn't like the comment.

The chaos lasted close to ten minutes in my mind; perhaps it was less. The screaming woman was finally escorted outside and then a group of people who'd been crowded around the fallen person got up to walk out. I noticed the bongo player at this point. He looked completely disheveled. I assumed it was he who had fallen, perhaps passed out due to exhaustion or whatever, but I wasn't sure.

During the time of the confusion, the pastor on stage said nothing much. He was mysteriously quiet. He finally led us in prayer, but was not directly praying for what just happened. It was, I felt, very suspicious...like if we don't mention it happened then maybe it didn't actually happen.

Then the person who preaches the sermons each week came on stage. Of course I'm sure he was shaken, but he seemed calm. He led us in prayer and asked the Lord to calm our spirits so we could hear God's word, but he said nothing specific about what had just ensued. He didn't mention the person's name or anything...didn't pray for him specifically, but instead led us in the planned sermon from 1st John. I thought for sure this would have been a "teachable moment" where the plans were thrown out the window and the more important topic of how to react in crisis when you're a Christian would have been discussed.

To be honest, I have no idea what he preached about for the next hour. I have a 45 minute audio recording I made today so I could go back and listen to it later. I was so distraught. On the one hand, I was worried about the bongo player, but on the other hand, I was strangely distracted and worried about the screaming Chinese woman. What was her connection, after all? Why was she so upset?

At the end of the sermon, the praise band came back on and after they sang, there was a prayer which finally mentioned Josh. They said he was ok, but explained nothing. I was still completely in shock. For the past 45 minutes or more I'd been sitting there, crying, trying not to vomit. I take in other people's emotions like a sponge soaks in water. When others feel scared, I feel scared. When others worry, I worry. It literally made me sick and there were several moments when I thought I'd have to excuse myself. I just kept praying and trying to calm my nerves. I wanted to stay to hear what happened, to understand what the crying and screaming was all about. I was less worried about Josh, and that means nothing about me not caring about him, but the hysterics were completely absurd to me, and that puzzled me. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.

After I left church, I hailed a cab and called my mom. It was after midnight her time, but she was awake. In the back of the taxi, I cried the whole way home, speaking on the phone with her and trying to explain what happened, but not understanding it myself. Then I emailed my Pastor in Charleston. Still not being able to let it go, I emailed the church here in Dongguan.

"Good morning. I’m not sure who exactly receives these emails, but I felt I should write in hopes of contacting someone who could help ease my mind about Josh’s episode today. I am not a regular at TBF, but I have attended many times. I don’t know Josh personally, but I’m there often and do appreciate and enjoy the praise band and his part in it. 

I am not trying to pry in any way, shape or form, but I am wondering if Josh’s condition is something that was caused simply because of his current health (the pastor mentioned something about him not feeling well recently). My asking is simply to know if he is ok or if he requires ongoing prayer for something specific. 

More on my heart this morning, actually, is how the situation was handled, and what took place in the congregation when the Chinese children and women were screaming and crying. I heard someone say several times, “You’re not holy, you’re not holy,” and that frightened me. I didn’t know it was Josh on the floor at first. I thought it was a child, the way that little one was screaming. Then I thought it must be an elderly person.

Again, I’m not trying to put my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but my heart is heavy. I don’t understand why we as a congregation didn’t get led in prayer immediately. I don’t understand why the lady was so hysterical and why she wasn’t escorted outside sooner. I don’t understand why people were screaming in such horror. Is that a cultural thing? The Westerners seemed to be more calm…upset, but calm. I was praying silently, and crying, but I’m in shock honestly and I’m not sure with whom I can discuss it. I called my mother and spoke to her at midnight her time as I was in the taxi leaving. I’ve emailed my home pastor. I’m just so knotted up inside and I do pray for God to ease my worries, but more to ease the rest of the congregation as I’m sure they are also quite concerned. I would love if someone could write me back, and I’m in no hurry, but I would appreciate at least a word to let me know Josh is ok and the lady who was so distraught is also now calm.

Thank you.
Blessings, Hannah"

After I emailed, I sat down to write this blog, but something made me pause. I wrote a little, then I went out for groceries. I thought it was such a "nice" day for China, so when I unloaded and put away all of my purchased goods, I decided to go to the pool to just relax...to process. As soon as I got to the pool, I got a WeChat message from a person with whom I had been put in contact a few months ago. She's a fellow College of Charleston grad. She explained in her message that her husband was the pastor who preached the sermon today, and she asked if she could meet me at the pool to explain what happened. I told her of course, so she arrived just a few minutes after I did.

We introduced ourselves formally, apologizing that we were meeting under such circumstances. We sat an hour or so talking. She opened my eyes to many things I did not know about the church. For example, the lead pastor and his wife serve and it's their adult children who compose most of the praise band, two sons and a daughter. I was also informed that all of the screaming and hysterics this morning came from one woman, someone with known mental issues. Those two bits of information explained a lot. Although I still don't agree with the way things were or weren't handled this morning, and although I'm still quite disturbed by the whole occurrence, I can't judge anyone because we all react differently in times of crisis. I also can't judge because, well you know, it's not my place. I'm glad, however, that I waited to write the blog, because now I feel I have a better understanding of the situation.

I can't say I've ever experienced anything quite like this morning nor do I ever want to again. It was less the emergency of Josh passing out and more the emergency of handling the hysterical woman, but the confusion was terrifying. I am feeling much better to have had some of it explained to me, and I'm pleased to have had a conversation with a like minded Christian who happens to be a fellow South Carolinian, but I don't know where to go from here to be honest. I have so many questions that arise here in China and for me, all I can say is, "I put my hope in His holy word," and hope that the Lord will see me through.


*Josh is apparently fine. He has been sick and had not eaten or had any liquids prior to his performance on stage this morning. It is my understanding that he is at home resting with his wife and children. I haven't heard about the mentally ill woman other than she was removed this morning and perhaps will no longer be allowed to participate in worship services. I ask for prayers for both of these people.